by David Fortwengler
Start with a sing-a-long!
Oh, when the saints go marching in.
Oh, when the saints go marching in.
Sorry, this post is not about the New Orleans Saints terrific season and upcoming Super Bowl. Instead, it’s about the Vatican’s nonsensical and inevitable process that will lead to the canonization of Pope John Paul II. He is on a fast track to sainthood faster than Kyle Busch at Daytona Speedway. The saint will go marching in, no matter what.
Pope John Paul II
On December 20th the current Pontiff signed a decree recognizing the heroic virtues of Pope John Paul II. The “investigation” is going great for him so far, meaning that the words endemic institutional negligence, cover-up, and child rape haven’t been mentioned. A 2,000-page “posito” was submitted to the now Pope (He who shall remain nameless) containing the proof that JPII is in Heaven. The evidence includes that a French nun prayed to JPII and her Parkinson’s was miraculously cured. Why can the Vatican prove a medical miracle but can’t explain why Cardinal Law is honored in Rome? The toughest part of his day is to choose a wine that compliments his veal scallopini. I don’t know why Law is there, but a nice Beaujolais or Pinot Grigio would go with the veal.
Just when I thought the process of canonization couldn’t be more absurd, we have this gem. In a new book "Why a Saint?" by Monsignor Slawomir Oder, the Vatican "postulator" in charge of the canonization process, he claims the late Pope regularly whipped himself with a belt as an act of penance to feel closer to God. JPII even had a favorite belt he liked to use (let’s name the belt “Uncle Weltie”), so much so he always took it with him on vacation to the papal summer residence at Castel Gandolfo. The Monsignor goes on to compare this behavior to giving up a Starbucks Latte and sending the money to Haiti. He further states that the self flagellation is evidence of JPII’s sanctity. Personally, I think it would have been more saintly if JPII converted Castel Gandolfo into a state-of-the-art treatment facility for adult survivors of child sex abuse. To be really saintly he could have included the private chef. The Italian food is good in Italy.
A major reason the process is so smooth, they conveniently suspended the provision of appointing a “Devil’s Advocate” who argues against canonization, a job I am willing to do. The first two questions I would ask are;
What is the most important thing JPII did to stop the negligent supervision of abusive priests by his highest level employees?
What is the most important thing he did to show care, concern, and compassion for the tens of thousands who were raped by his employees, and betrayed by his hierarchy?
Q. What is the difference between the New Orleans Saints and Pope John Paul II?
A. The New Orleans Saints don’t beat themselves.
Proposed Wikipedia Entry
When JPII is sainted I propose the Wikipedia entry should read;
Karol Józef Wojtyła, aka Pope John Paul II, aka John Paul the Great (Allegedly)
In other news, the hierarchy of the Anti-Catholic League has conducted an extensive investigation to determine God’s will and bestowed on me the title “David the Awesome.” Why not? Chad Ochocinco was taken.
In 1997 the NBA’s Washington Bullets changed their name to the Wizards because they didn’t want a name associated with crime and violence. (I know, they should have changed Washington also) New Orleans should consider dropping Saints for the same reason. How about the Jambalayas or the Beignets.
In this posting, no offense was intended towards the New Orleans Saints. I predict the Super Bowl will be decided by a Hail Mary pass.