by David Fortwengler
Vatican wins Gold Medal for Arrogance
The Winter Olympics in beautiful Vancouver, Canada are now almost over. The competition has been fierce, champions have been crowned, and medals awarded. Since no organization in history is responsible for a bigger snow job, it is only right I award the Catholic Church their well-earned spot on a medal stand. After all, the Vatican has more tricks than Shaun White, is sending the Catholic Church downhill faster than Lindsey Vonn and must be doing more bong hits than Michael Phelps. (I know Phelps is a Summer Olympian, but I couldn’t resist) Therefore, with sadness and disgust, I award the Gold Medal for Arrogance to the Vatican.
Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
The courage and perseverance of Irish victims of sexual crimes committed by catholic clergy have not gone unnoticed by the survivor community here in America. Their willingness to share their experiences with the Irish governments investigations have forever put the truth about catholic hierarchy complicity into stone. The abuse was endemic and the only concern of the Vatican is to protect it’s reputation and assets. So, what has been the response from Rome? They have finally acknowledged raping a child is a crime, they refuse to cooperate with any secular investigations, and Mr. Ratzinger is so shocked and saddened by the report he is going to write a letter! For that I proudly award them the Gold Medal for Arrogance.
In other events
Bronze Medal for Ski Jumping
Do you remember the opening sequence of “The Wide World of Sports” where the “Agony of Defeat” was memorialized by the ski jumper crashing spectacularly off the end of the ramp? I need to point out he was not injured! If Cardinal Bernard Law can replicate that scene, I will award him the Bronze Medal for ski jumping. The chance to see that replay for the next 30 years is too good to pass up. Remember, no one was injured! Also, this fantasy scenario will have a happy ending. Cardinal Law, despite being run out of Boston, will retire to the Vatican with prestige and in luxury. Oh, never mind, that really happened.
Silver Medal for Pairs Ice Dancing
This award goes to the inseparable pair of Cardinal Roger Mahoney and his spokesperson Tod Tamberg. This is not a comment about their sexual preferences! Instead, in the ice dancing event the couples spend countless hours skating on thin ice, you are awarded extra points for spinning ability, and the judges are susceptible to bribes. Mahoney and Tamberg’s willingness to use any amount of parishioners money to cover their own mistakes will be enough to buy them a Silver Medal.
Gold Medal for the Naked Luge
In June of 2007 Colorado catholic priest Father Robert Whipkey was arrested (and eventually convicted) for jogging naked at the local high school. He told the police, "I'm a heavy man, and wearing clothing while running makes me sweat profusely." Whipkey is also known for walking around his house naked with the shades open and for counseling 11 year olds about sexuality while in the buff.
Do you remember the famous scene in “A Christmas Story” where Ralphie's friends Flick and Schwartz argue over whether a person's tongue will stick to a frozen flagpole? Schwartz ultimately issues Flick a "triple dog dare" and Flick's tongue gets stuck to the pole, much to his terror. It cracks me up every year.
I wish I could draw a cartoon, but the mental image of Whipkey trying to slide naked down a frozen track and getting his sweaty behind stuck to the ice is too funny to not earn a Gold Medal. Go ahead Whipkey, I triple dog dare you. (And no, I don’t know what made me think of this)
In the writing of this post, no offense was intended towards Lindsey Vonn, Shaun White, Michael Phelps or bong hits.
Following the exploits of the Vatican is like watching an episode of “Desperate Housewives,” if by “Housewives” you really mean “Catholic Hierarchy.”